He's not one to do things in halves...He does them in fifths.
* When he returns from lunch, he is so loaded they make him take the freight elevator.
* He's been frequenting a new night club. It has the nicest tables he's ever been under.
* When he gets a cold, he buys a bottle of whiskey, and in no time it is gone. The whiskey, not the cold.
* Since he has been visiting a psychiatrist, he now drinks on the couch.
* He's the nicest chap on two feet...if he could only stay there.
* In taverns all over town he is regarded as one of their most unsteadiest customers.
* If it weren't for pretzels, he'd be entirely on a liquid diet.
* He frequents so many bars that his suits aren't dry cleaned. They are distilled.
* If there's a nip in the air, he even tries to drink that.
* He would be an interesting specimen to an entomologist. A good specimen of a bar fly.
* On his last birthday, he lit all of the candles on his cake.
* When the boss asks him to work overtime, he demands time and a fifth.
* He has been warned that alcohol is slow poison. He says he doesn't mind. He's in no hurry.
* He is a very public spirited person. He drinks spirits in public.
* The only time he drinks is when he is with somebody or is alone.
* He only drinks on the days ending in "Y".
* It takes only one drink to make him drunk. He's not sure if it is the ninth or tenth.
* No wonder they all call him "Truck". He always has a load on.
* He believes in a balanced diet. A drink in each hand.
* At a party, he never plays Spin-The-Bottle. He will never let go of it.
* Some times he is held up going home. That is the only way he will get there.
* Once, in a hospital, he asked for water. Everyone thought he was delirious.
* He deducts his liquor bills as a medical expense as he drinks to everyone's health.
* He's been getting to high that soon he will have to drink with a net under him.
* He was recently a judge in a beauty contest. The competition wasn't very stiff, but he was.
* He's been on a drinking mans diet. Now he is a thin lush.
* He hates the sight of liquor. That's why he drinks so much..to get it out of sight quickly.
* It's called for a tremendous amount of willpower on his part, but he's finally seceded in giving up trying to give up drinking.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
HANGOVER RANKINGS
1 star hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomber and a side of gravy fries.
2 star hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.
3 star hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke-yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.
5 star hangover (*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.
6 star hangover (******) Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker" You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning. You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead...that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your pajamas and your slippers.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
2 star hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.
3 star hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke-yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.
5 star hangover (*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.
6 star hangover (******) Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker" You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning. You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead...that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your pajamas and your slippers.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
DRINKS OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM
Absolute Zero = Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen
Alexander the Grrreat = Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes
American in Paris = Kentucky bourbon and champagne
Black Sabbath = Kahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind Faith = Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
Blood Clot = Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
Bloody Awful = Vodka and ketchup
Blue Moon = Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Coleman Cooler = White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand
Fuzzy Naval Base = Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia
George Bush = George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
Gorbachev = Vodka with a splash of port wine
Honeydew the Dishes = Midori and Dawn
Marie Antoinette = Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
Martinizer = Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
Mary Poppins = Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar
Mexican Hairless = Tequila and Minoxidil
Oil of Ole = Mazola and Sangria
Peter, Paul, and Mary = Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice
Phillips' Screwdriver = Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia
Port in a Storm = Red wine and rainwater
Quack Doctor = Cold duck and Dr. Pepper
A Rum with a View = Bacardi and Visine
Rum-Pole of the Bailey = Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey's Irish Cream
Sake-to-me = Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
Scotch Tapeworm = Dewar's and Mescal
Shipwreck = Cutty Sark on the rocks
Short Wave = Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate
Sinead O'Connor = Irish whiskey and Nair
Skid Roe = Muscatel and caviar
Sour Kraut = Schnapps and lemon juice
Sundae Driver = Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream
Tequila Mockingbird = Jose Cuervo and birdseed
*Kiddies, please don't try these at home!! ;)
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
Alexander the Grrreat = Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes
American in Paris = Kentucky bourbon and champagne
Black Sabbath = Kahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind Faith = Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
Blood Clot = Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
Bloody Awful = Vodka and ketchup
Blue Moon = Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Coleman Cooler = White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand
Fuzzy Naval Base = Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia
George Bush = George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
Gorbachev = Vodka with a splash of port wine
Honeydew the Dishes = Midori and Dawn
Marie Antoinette = Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
Martinizer = Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
Mary Poppins = Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar
Mexican Hairless = Tequila and Minoxidil
Oil of Ole = Mazola and Sangria
Peter, Paul, and Mary = Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice
Phillips' Screwdriver = Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia
Port in a Storm = Red wine and rainwater
Quack Doctor = Cold duck and Dr. Pepper
A Rum with a View = Bacardi and Visine
Rum-Pole of the Bailey = Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey's Irish Cream
Sake-to-me = Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
Scotch Tapeworm = Dewar's and Mescal
Shipwreck = Cutty Sark on the rocks
Short Wave = Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate
Sinead O'Connor = Irish whiskey and Nair
Skid Roe = Muscatel and caviar
Sour Kraut = Schnapps and lemon juice
Sundae Driver = Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream
Tequila Mockingbird = Jose Cuervo and birdseed
*Kiddies, please don't try these at home!! ;)
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
FIVE STAGES OF DRINKING
LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."
LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking, "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool."
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor, ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!") you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell-at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five-the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?"
Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking, "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool."
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor, ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!") you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell-at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five-the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?"
Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
NUMBER OF DRINKS & BEHAVIORAL DIFFERENCES
ONE - Relaxed. To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech/coordination etc. Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps, school days, sport and the price of net curtains, etc. Some beer-mat flicking will be in evidence, as the ice hasn't quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist joke. Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the chicken?
TWO - Merry with the taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth. The second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first, with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up probably now touching on sports, soaps, school days - what else is there? Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex. It's time to consider your first visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible and if not everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round, enough said.
THREE - Tipsy. Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behavior. The urge to consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a "I'd give that one" nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all about the price of net curtains. Could be a good time for the first belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type of competition.
FOUR - Half-cut voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now much, much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some dodgy comedian's redundant catch phrase will also never fail to get laughs...very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd had' to graphic detail of the 'partners you've had'. Hand/eye coordination is now on the difficult side, boys take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else's in your zip fly). Some girls will be working up to the first of the evening's "nobody likes me - everybody hates me" tears in the toilet crises.
FIVE - Drunk. Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about. However, it's all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges - such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may.
SIX TO SEVEN - Rat-arsed. Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's if anybody else can remember what the fuck you were talking about, but mark my words, there's always one who will. Conversation will now be on a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the flesh of the opposite sex, will they ever go away? Some people expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you're drunk but I am more the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you've got them most chance to do so with. Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave room for a curry.
EIGHT TO TEN - Shit-faced (alternatively Wankered). It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've had one over eight, particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered. Others get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their existence of this planet. Hey, if only they'd realize that there isn't one and that having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it's hard to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody else seems to notice - pissheads.
ELEVEN TO FIFTEEN - Esperanto. For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you'll fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry about it, if ever there was a time to fall arse over tit, this is it - it won't hurt in the slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if you don't live nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopedic qualities are well known.
SIXTEEN PLUS - Clinically dead. You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff - but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover and try desperately to remember what the fuck you did the night before, than at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine's a pint and get one in for yourself - cheers then.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
TWO - Merry with the taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth. The second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first, with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up probably now touching on sports, soaps, school days - what else is there? Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex. It's time to consider your first visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible and if not everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round, enough said.
THREE - Tipsy. Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behavior. The urge to consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a "I'd give that one" nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all about the price of net curtains. Could be a good time for the first belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type of competition.
FOUR - Half-cut voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now much, much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some dodgy comedian's redundant catch phrase will also never fail to get laughs...very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd had' to graphic detail of the 'partners you've had'. Hand/eye coordination is now on the difficult side, boys take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else's in your zip fly). Some girls will be working up to the first of the evening's "nobody likes me - everybody hates me" tears in the toilet crises.
FIVE - Drunk. Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about. However, it's all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges - such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may.
SIX TO SEVEN - Rat-arsed. Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's if anybody else can remember what the fuck you were talking about, but mark my words, there's always one who will. Conversation will now be on a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the flesh of the opposite sex, will they ever go away? Some people expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you're drunk but I am more the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you've got them most chance to do so with. Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave room for a curry.
EIGHT TO TEN - Shit-faced (alternatively Wankered). It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've had one over eight, particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered. Others get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their existence of this planet. Hey, if only they'd realize that there isn't one and that having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it's hard to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody else seems to notice - pissheads.
ELEVEN TO FIFTEEN - Esperanto. For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you'll fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry about it, if ever there was a time to fall arse over tit, this is it - it won't hurt in the slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if you don't live nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopedic qualities are well known.
SIXTEEN PLUS - Clinically dead. You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff - but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover and try desperately to remember what the fuck you did the night before, than at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine's a pint and get one in for yourself - cheers then.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
NEW GOVERNMENT WARNINGS ON DRINKING
As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on Alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a "2" is a "10".
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
AND Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant the new guidelines should read...
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a "2" is a "10".
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
AND Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant the new guidelines should read...
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
THE COLLEGE DRINKER'S ALPHABET
A- Alcohol: The key to surviving college.
B- Beer: It's whats for dinner.
C- Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party.
D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic.
E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party.
F- F*cked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out.
G- Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers.
H- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank.
I- Ignorant: The way you act after drinking WAY too much.
J- Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home.
K- Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers.
L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol.
M- Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying.
N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know.
O- Oh shit!: What you say as you're falling down the stairs.
P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer.
Q- Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning. YUCK!
R- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet.
S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk.
T- Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes to get drunk.
U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town.
V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello.
W- Worm: The part of Tequila that that you don't mind eating after you've consumed the whole bottle.
X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it.(detox)
Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end.
Z- Zima: Zomething Different.
Source: http://www.getamused.com
B- Beer: It's whats for dinner.
C- Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party.
D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic.
E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party.
F- F*cked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out.
G- Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers.
H- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank.
I- Ignorant: The way you act after drinking WAY too much.
J- Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home.
K- Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers.
L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol.
M- Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying.
N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know.
O- Oh shit!: What you say as you're falling down the stairs.
P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer.
Q- Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning. YUCK!
R- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet.
S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk.
T- Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes to get drunk.
U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town.
V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello.
W- Worm: The part of Tequila that that you don't mind eating after you've consumed the whole bottle.
X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it.(detox)
Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end.
Z- Zima: Zomething Different.
Source: http://www.getamused.com
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