He's not one to do things in halves...He does them in fifths.
* When he returns from lunch, he is so loaded they make him take the freight elevator.
* He's been frequenting a new night club. It has the nicest tables he's ever been under.
* When he gets a cold, he buys a bottle of whiskey, and in no time it is gone. The whiskey, not the cold.
* Since he has been visiting a psychiatrist, he now drinks on the couch.
* He's the nicest chap on two feet...if he could only stay there.
* In taverns all over town he is regarded as one of their most unsteadiest customers.
* If it weren't for pretzels, he'd be entirely on a liquid diet.
* He frequents so many bars that his suits aren't dry cleaned. They are distilled.
* If there's a nip in the air, he even tries to drink that.
* He would be an interesting specimen to an entomologist. A good specimen of a bar fly.
* On his last birthday, he lit all of the candles on his cake.
* When the boss asks him to work overtime, he demands time and a fifth.
* He has been warned that alcohol is slow poison. He says he doesn't mind. He's in no hurry.
* He is a very public spirited person. He drinks spirits in public.
* The only time he drinks is when he is with somebody or is alone.
* He only drinks on the days ending in "Y".
* It takes only one drink to make him drunk. He's not sure if it is the ninth or tenth.
* No wonder they all call him "Truck". He always has a load on.
* He believes in a balanced diet. A drink in each hand.
* At a party, he never plays Spin-The-Bottle. He will never let go of it.
* Some times he is held up going home. That is the only way he will get there.
* Once, in a hospital, he asked for water. Everyone thought he was delirious.
* He deducts his liquor bills as a medical expense as he drinks to everyone's health.
* He's been getting to high that soon he will have to drink with a net under him.
* He was recently a judge in a beauty contest. The competition wasn't very stiff, but he was.
* He's been on a drinking mans diet. Now he is a thin lush.
* He hates the sight of liquor. That's why he drinks so much..to get it out of sight quickly.
* It's called for a tremendous amount of willpower on his part, but he's finally seceded in giving up trying to give up drinking.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
HANGOVER RANKINGS
1 star hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomber and a side of gravy fries.
2 star hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.
3 star hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke-yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.
5 star hangover (*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.
6 star hangover (******) Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker" You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning. You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead...that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your pajamas and your slippers.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
2 star hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.
3 star hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke-yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.
5 star hangover (*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.
6 star hangover (******) Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker" You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning. You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead...that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your pajamas and your slippers.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
DRINKS OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM
Absolute Zero = Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen
Alexander the Grrreat = Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes
American in Paris = Kentucky bourbon and champagne
Black Sabbath = Kahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind Faith = Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
Blood Clot = Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
Bloody Awful = Vodka and ketchup
Blue Moon = Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Coleman Cooler = White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand
Fuzzy Naval Base = Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia
George Bush = George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
Gorbachev = Vodka with a splash of port wine
Honeydew the Dishes = Midori and Dawn
Marie Antoinette = Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
Martinizer = Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
Mary Poppins = Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar
Mexican Hairless = Tequila and Minoxidil
Oil of Ole = Mazola and Sangria
Peter, Paul, and Mary = Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice
Phillips' Screwdriver = Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia
Port in a Storm = Red wine and rainwater
Quack Doctor = Cold duck and Dr. Pepper
A Rum with a View = Bacardi and Visine
Rum-Pole of the Bailey = Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey's Irish Cream
Sake-to-me = Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
Scotch Tapeworm = Dewar's and Mescal
Shipwreck = Cutty Sark on the rocks
Short Wave = Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate
Sinead O'Connor = Irish whiskey and Nair
Skid Roe = Muscatel and caviar
Sour Kraut = Schnapps and lemon juice
Sundae Driver = Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream
Tequila Mockingbird = Jose Cuervo and birdseed
*Kiddies, please don't try these at home!! ;)
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
Alexander the Grrreat = Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes
American in Paris = Kentucky bourbon and champagne
Black Sabbath = Kahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind Faith = Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
Blood Clot = Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
Bloody Awful = Vodka and ketchup
Blue Moon = Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Coleman Cooler = White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand
Fuzzy Naval Base = Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia
George Bush = George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
Gorbachev = Vodka with a splash of port wine
Honeydew the Dishes = Midori and Dawn
Marie Antoinette = Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
Martinizer = Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
Mary Poppins = Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar
Mexican Hairless = Tequila and Minoxidil
Oil of Ole = Mazola and Sangria
Peter, Paul, and Mary = Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice
Phillips' Screwdriver = Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia
Port in a Storm = Red wine and rainwater
Quack Doctor = Cold duck and Dr. Pepper
A Rum with a View = Bacardi and Visine
Rum-Pole of the Bailey = Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey's Irish Cream
Sake-to-me = Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
Scotch Tapeworm = Dewar's and Mescal
Shipwreck = Cutty Sark on the rocks
Short Wave = Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate
Sinead O'Connor = Irish whiskey and Nair
Skid Roe = Muscatel and caviar
Sour Kraut = Schnapps and lemon juice
Sundae Driver = Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream
Tequila Mockingbird = Jose Cuervo and birdseed
*Kiddies, please don't try these at home!! ;)
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
FIVE STAGES OF DRINKING
LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."
LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking, "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool."
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor, ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!") you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell-at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five-the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?"
Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking, "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool."
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor, ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!") you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell-at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five-the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?"
Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
NUMBER OF DRINKS & BEHAVIORAL DIFFERENCES
ONE - Relaxed. To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech/coordination etc. Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps, school days, sport and the price of net curtains, etc. Some beer-mat flicking will be in evidence, as the ice hasn't quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist joke. Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the chicken?
TWO - Merry with the taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth. The second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first, with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up probably now touching on sports, soaps, school days - what else is there? Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex. It's time to consider your first visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible and if not everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round, enough said.
THREE - Tipsy. Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behavior. The urge to consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a "I'd give that one" nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all about the price of net curtains. Could be a good time for the first belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type of competition.
FOUR - Half-cut voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now much, much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some dodgy comedian's redundant catch phrase will also never fail to get laughs...very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd had' to graphic detail of the 'partners you've had'. Hand/eye coordination is now on the difficult side, boys take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else's in your zip fly). Some girls will be working up to the first of the evening's "nobody likes me - everybody hates me" tears in the toilet crises.
FIVE - Drunk. Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about. However, it's all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges - such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may.
SIX TO SEVEN - Rat-arsed. Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's if anybody else can remember what the fuck you were talking about, but mark my words, there's always one who will. Conversation will now be on a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the flesh of the opposite sex, will they ever go away? Some people expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you're drunk but I am more the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you've got them most chance to do so with. Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave room for a curry.
EIGHT TO TEN - Shit-faced (alternatively Wankered). It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've had one over eight, particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered. Others get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their existence of this planet. Hey, if only they'd realize that there isn't one and that having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it's hard to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody else seems to notice - pissheads.
ELEVEN TO FIFTEEN - Esperanto. For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you'll fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry about it, if ever there was a time to fall arse over tit, this is it - it won't hurt in the slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if you don't live nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopedic qualities are well known.
SIXTEEN PLUS - Clinically dead. You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff - but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover and try desperately to remember what the fuck you did the night before, than at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine's a pint and get one in for yourself - cheers then.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
TWO - Merry with the taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth. The second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first, with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up probably now touching on sports, soaps, school days - what else is there? Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex. It's time to consider your first visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible and if not everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round, enough said.
THREE - Tipsy. Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behavior. The urge to consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a "I'd give that one" nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all about the price of net curtains. Could be a good time for the first belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type of competition.
FOUR - Half-cut voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now much, much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some dodgy comedian's redundant catch phrase will also never fail to get laughs...very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd had' to graphic detail of the 'partners you've had'. Hand/eye coordination is now on the difficult side, boys take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else's in your zip fly). Some girls will be working up to the first of the evening's "nobody likes me - everybody hates me" tears in the toilet crises.
FIVE - Drunk. Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about. However, it's all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges - such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may.
SIX TO SEVEN - Rat-arsed. Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's if anybody else can remember what the fuck you were talking about, but mark my words, there's always one who will. Conversation will now be on a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the flesh of the opposite sex, will they ever go away? Some people expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you're drunk but I am more the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you've got them most chance to do so with. Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave room for a curry.
EIGHT TO TEN - Shit-faced (alternatively Wankered). It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've had one over eight, particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered. Others get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their existence of this planet. Hey, if only they'd realize that there isn't one and that having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it's hard to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody else seems to notice - pissheads.
ELEVEN TO FIFTEEN - Esperanto. For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you'll fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry about it, if ever there was a time to fall arse over tit, this is it - it won't hurt in the slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if you don't live nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopedic qualities are well known.
SIXTEEN PLUS - Clinically dead. You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff - but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover and try desperately to remember what the fuck you did the night before, than at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine's a pint and get one in for yourself - cheers then.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
NEW GOVERNMENT WARNINGS ON DRINKING
As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on Alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a "2" is a "10".
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
AND Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant the new guidelines should read...
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a "2" is a "10".
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
AND Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant the new guidelines should read...
**WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
THE COLLEGE DRINKER'S ALPHABET
A- Alcohol: The key to surviving college.
B- Beer: It's whats for dinner.
C- Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party.
D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic.
E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party.
F- F*cked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out.
G- Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers.
H- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank.
I- Ignorant: The way you act after drinking WAY too much.
J- Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home.
K- Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers.
L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol.
M- Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying.
N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know.
O- Oh shit!: What you say as you're falling down the stairs.
P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer.
Q- Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning. YUCK!
R- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet.
S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk.
T- Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes to get drunk.
U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town.
V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello.
W- Worm: The part of Tequila that that you don't mind eating after you've consumed the whole bottle.
X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it.(detox)
Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end.
Z- Zima: Zomething Different.
Source: http://www.getamused.com
B- Beer: It's whats for dinner.
C- Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party.
D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic.
E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party.
F- F*cked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out.
G- Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers.
H- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank.
I- Ignorant: The way you act after drinking WAY too much.
J- Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home.
K- Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers.
L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol.
M- Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying.
N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know.
O- Oh shit!: What you say as you're falling down the stairs.
P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer.
Q- Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning. YUCK!
R- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet.
S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk.
T- Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes to get drunk.
U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town.
V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello.
W- Worm: The part of Tequila that that you don't mind eating after you've consumed the whole bottle.
X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it.(detox)
Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end.
Z- Zima: Zomething Different.
Source: http://www.getamused.com
THE BEER PRAYER
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The beer,
The bitter and The lager.
Barmen.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The beer,
The bitter and The lager.
Barmen.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
DRINKING QUOTES
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his friends. --Ernest Hemingway
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. --Anonymous
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. --Anonymous
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... --Brian O'Rourke
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson
I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his friends. --Ernest Hemingway
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. --Anonymous
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. --Anonymous
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... --Brian O'Rourke
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson
I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
5 STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cause you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cause you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
ANOTHER 50 FACTS ABOUT WOMEN
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair before bed.
19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22. Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter.
32. The first naked man women see is 'Ken'.
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-
language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentines Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a
conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
40. Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
41. Did I mention that even after a careful and through explaination to the men in their lives, only women will understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'?
42. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!'
Source: http://www.urbandictionary.com
THE GUY'S RULES
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good). We always hear "the rules" from the female point of view... Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
JOKES FOR MEN
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
And I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
And I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
CATS & DOGS
What is a cat?
- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They are totally unpredictable.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They are moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.
===========================
What is a dog?
- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They are totally unpredictable.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They are moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.
===========================
What is a dog?
- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
ELEMENTS
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
MEN ARE LIKE...
Men are like newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
Men are like computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
Men are like shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
Men are like vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men are like road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
Men are like old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like government bonds.They take so long to mature.
Men are like parking spots. The good ones are taken.
Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
Men are like computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
Men are like shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
Men are like vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men are like road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
Men are like old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
Men are like department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like government bonds.They take so long to mature.
Men are like parking spots. The good ones are taken.
Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
50 FACTS ABOUT WOMEN
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair before bed.
19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil- stick, oil doesn't stick?"
23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
32. The first naked man a women see is "Ken".
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
42. Origin of the word "woman" is: woo-man.
43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair before bed.
19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil- stick, oil doesn't stick?"
23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
32. The first naked man a women see is "Ken".
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
42. Origin of the word "woman" is: woo-man.
43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"
Source: http://www.getamused.com/jokes
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
DON'T KNOW WHY by: Norah Jones
I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand
My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever
Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road along
My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever
Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand
My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever
Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road along
My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever
Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
THE WAY YOU LOOK TONIGHT by: Michael Bubble
Some day, when I’m awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.
You’re lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.
With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.
Lovely ... never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won’t you please arrange it?
’cause I love you ... just the way you look tonight.
With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.
Lovely ... never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won’t you please arrange it?
’cause I love you ... just the way you look tonight.
Mmm, tonight.
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.
You’re lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.
With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.
Lovely ... never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won’t you please arrange it?
’cause I love you ... just the way you look tonight.
With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.
Lovely ... never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won’t you please arrange it?
’cause I love you ... just the way you look tonight.
Mmm, tonight.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
YOU'RE STILL THE ONE by: Shania Twain
(When I first saw you, I saw love.
And the first time you touched me, I felt love.
And after all this time, you're still the one I love.)
Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday
Bridge:
They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong
Chorus:
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night
Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'
(Bridge)
(Chorus)
(Chorus)
I'm so glad we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
And the first time you touched me, I felt love.
And after all this time, you're still the one I love.)
Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday
Bridge:
They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong
Chorus:
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night
Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'
(Bridge)
(Chorus)
(Chorus)
I'm so glad we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
LOW by: T- Pain ft. Florida
[Intro - T-Pain]
Mmmmmmmm
Let me talk to 'em
Let me talk to 'em
Mmmmmmm
Let me talk to 'em
C'mon!
[Chorus (T-Pain):]
Shawty had them apple bottom jeans (jeans)
Boots with the fur (with the fur)
The whole club was looking at her
She hits the floor (she hits the floor)
Next thing you know
Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Them baggy sweat pants
And the Reebok's with the straps (with the straps)
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack (hey)
She hits the floor (she hits the floor)
Next thing you know
Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
[Flo-Rida]
I ain't never seen something that'll make me go
This crazy all night spending my doe
Had the million dollar vibe and a body to go
Them birthday cakes they stole the show
So sexual
She was flexible professional
Drinking X&O
Hold up, wait a minute, do I see what I think? Whoa
Did her thing seen shawty get low
Ain't the same when it's up that close
Make it rain I'm making it snow
Work the pole I gotta bang bro
I'm gonna say that I prefer the no clothes
I'm in to that I love women exposed
She threw it back at me I gave her mo
Cash ain't a problem I know where it go
[Chorus (T-Pain)]
[Flo-Rida]
Hey shawty what I gotta do to get you home
My jeans filled with guap and they're ready for showing
Cadillacs laid back for the sexy grown
Patron on the rocks that'll make you moan
One stack (come on), two stacks (come on), three stacks (come on)
Now that's three grand
What you think I'm playing baby girl I'm the man
I'm dealing rubberbands
That's when I threw her legs on my shoulders
I knew it was over
That heny and Cola got me like a soldier
She ready for Rover, I couldn't control her
So lucky on me I was just like clover
Shawty was hot like a toaster
Sorry but I had to fold her
Like a pornography poster
She showed her
[Chorus (T-Pain)]
[Flo-Rida]
Whoa shawty yeah she was worth the money
Little mama took my cash
And I ain't want it back
The way she bent that back
Got all them paper stacks
Tattoo above her crack
I had to handle that
I was zoned in sexy woman
Let me show it make me want it
Two in the morning I'm zoned in
Them rosee bottles foaming
She wouldn't stop
Made it drop
Shawty dipped that pop and lock
Had to break her off that guap
Gal fire just like my glock
Mmmmmmmm
Let me talk to 'em
Let me talk to 'em
Mmmmmmm
Let me talk to 'em
C'mon!
[Chorus (T-Pain):]
Shawty had them apple bottom jeans (jeans)
Boots with the fur (with the fur)
The whole club was looking at her
She hits the floor (she hits the floor)
Next thing you know
Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
Them baggy sweat pants
And the Reebok's with the straps (with the straps)
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack (hey)
She hits the floor (she hits the floor)
Next thing you know
Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
[Flo-Rida]
I ain't never seen something that'll make me go
This crazy all night spending my doe
Had the million dollar vibe and a body to go
Them birthday cakes they stole the show
So sexual
She was flexible professional
Drinking X&O
Hold up, wait a minute, do I see what I think? Whoa
Did her thing seen shawty get low
Ain't the same when it's up that close
Make it rain I'm making it snow
Work the pole I gotta bang bro
I'm gonna say that I prefer the no clothes
I'm in to that I love women exposed
She threw it back at me I gave her mo
Cash ain't a problem I know where it go
[Chorus (T-Pain)]
[Flo-Rida]
Hey shawty what I gotta do to get you home
My jeans filled with guap and they're ready for showing
Cadillacs laid back for the sexy grown
Patron on the rocks that'll make you moan
One stack (come on), two stacks (come on), three stacks (come on)
Now that's three grand
What you think I'm playing baby girl I'm the man
I'm dealing rubberbands
That's when I threw her legs on my shoulders
I knew it was over
That heny and Cola got me like a soldier
She ready for Rover, I couldn't control her
So lucky on me I was just like clover
Shawty was hot like a toaster
Sorry but I had to fold her
Like a pornography poster
She showed her
[Chorus (T-Pain)]
[Flo-Rida]
Whoa shawty yeah she was worth the money
Little mama took my cash
And I ain't want it back
The way she bent that back
Got all them paper stacks
Tattoo above her crack
I had to handle that
I was zoned in sexy woman
Let me show it make me want it
Two in the morning I'm zoned in
Them rosee bottles foaming
She wouldn't stop
Made it drop
Shawty dipped that pop and lock
Had to break her off that guap
Gal fire just like my glock
BARTENDER by: T- Pain ft. Akon
[Intro - T-Pain]
Yeah...
Uh-Huh...
Yeah...
Yeah...
[Verse 1 - T-Pain]
Broke up with my girl last night so I went to the club (so I went to the club)
Put on a fresh white suit and a Minicos sitting on dubs (sitting on dubs)
I'm just looking for somebody to talk to and show me some love (show me some love)
If you know what I mean... Uh-Huh...
Everybody jackin' me as soon as I stepped in the spot (I stepped in the spot)
200 bitches and man aint none of them hot (aint none of them hot)
'Cept for this pretty young thang that was workin' all the way at the top (all the way at the top)
Shawty what is your name?
[Hook 1 - T-Pain]
Oooo she made us drinks, to drink
We drunk 'em, Got drunk
And then I think she thinks I'm cool
She gave me a wink, I winked back
And then I think that, we headed out something proper like...
[Chorus - T-Pain]
I like the bartender
(Oooo If you're lookin' for me)
I'm at the bar with her
(Uh-huh, Ok)
I like the bartender
(Yeah if you're lookin' for me)
I'm at the bar with her
(Oooooh Uh-huh, Ok)
[Verse 2 - T-Pain]
Got a brand new girl so I'm feeling all good inside (all good inside)
Feel like I put some new 24's on a brand new ride (on a brand new ride)
Triple shot of patron on the rocks with little bit a lime (with a little bit a lime)
I'm just keeping it real (Uh-huh)
Baby still working at the club so I'm getting in free (so I'm getting in free)
Wednesday night I'm on the list T-Pain plus 3 (T-Pain plus 3)
Everytime I hit the spot baby girl taking care of me (taking care of me)
How do you think I feel?
[Hook 2 - T-Pain]
Oooo she made us drinks, to drink
We drunk 'em, Got drunk
And now I know she thinks I'm cool
She gave me a wink, I winked back
And then I think that, we 'gon have fun at my spot tonight...
[Chorus - T-Pain]
I like the bartender
(Oooo If you're lookin' for me)
I'm at the bar with her
(Uh-huh, Ok)
I like the bartender
(Yeah if you're lookin' for me)
I'm at the bar with her
(Oooooh Uh-huh, Ok)
[Verse 3 - Akon]
Shorty I'm sure you heard that I really never come out (never come out)
Unless I'm in the M6 doing tricks freeway burnt out (freeway burnt out)
Got a passenger side that's empty wanting it to be your spot (be your spot)
But you on my billboard ? like the charts 'gon end up on top (end up on top)
Don't smoke don't drink that's why I don't be by the bar baby (baby)
Just lookin' at you from a distance looking like a god damn star baby (baby)
So my girl don't see me T-Pain can I get those keys to the car? (those keys to the car?)
'Bout to go and Bang Bang Boogie with my cutie and I'll see you tomar' (see you tomar')
[Hook 3 - T-Pain, Akon]
Oooo she made us drinks, to drink
We drunk 'em, Got drunk
And now I know she thinks I'm cool
She gave me a wink, I winked back (Uh-huh)
And then I think that, (Uh-huh) we 'gon have fun at my spot tonight... (Oh yes)
[Chorus - T-Pain]
I like the bartender
(Oooo If you're lookin' for me)
I'm at the bar with her
(Uh-huh, Ok)
I like the bartender
(Yeah if you're lookin' for me)
I'm at the bar with her
(Oooooh Uh-huh, Ok)
Yeah...
Uh-Huh...
Yeah...
Yeah...
[Verse 1 - T-Pain]
Broke up with my girl last night so I went to the club (so I went to the club)
Put on a fresh white suit and a Minicos sitting on dubs (sitting on dubs)
I'm just looking for somebody to talk to and show me some love (show me some love)
If you know what I mean... Uh-Huh...
Everybody jackin' me as soon as I stepped in the spot (I stepped in the spot)
200 bitches and man aint none of them hot (aint none of them hot)
'Cept for this pretty young thang that was workin' all the way at the top (all the way at the top)
Shawty what is your name?
[Hook 1 - T-Pain]
Oooo she made us drinks, to drink
We drunk 'em, Got drunk
And then I think she thinks I'm cool
She gave me a wink, I winked back
And then I think that, we headed out something proper like...
[Chorus - T-Pain]
I like the bartender
(Oooo If you're lookin' for me)
I'm at the bar with her
(Uh-huh, Ok)
I like the bartender
(Yeah if you're lookin' for me)
I'm at the bar with her
(Oooooh Uh-huh, Ok)
[Verse 2 - T-Pain]
Got a brand new girl so I'm feeling all good inside (all good inside)
Feel like I put some new 24's on a brand new ride (on a brand new ride)
Triple shot of patron on the rocks with little bit a lime (with a little bit a lime)
I'm just keeping it real (Uh-huh)
Baby still working at the club so I'm getting in free (so I'm getting in free)
Wednesday night I'm on the list T-Pain plus 3 (T-Pain plus 3)
Everytime I hit the spot baby girl taking care of me (taking care of me)
How do you think I feel?
[Hook 2 - T-Pain]
Oooo she made us drinks, to drink
We drunk 'em, Got drunk
And now I know she thinks I'm cool
She gave me a wink, I winked back
And then I think that, we 'gon have fun at my spot tonight...
[Chorus - T-Pain]
I like the bartender
(Oooo If you're lookin' for me)
I'm at the bar with her
(Uh-huh, Ok)
I like the bartender
(Yeah if you're lookin' for me)
I'm at the bar with her
(Oooooh Uh-huh, Ok)
[Verse 3 - Akon]
Shorty I'm sure you heard that I really never come out (never come out)
Unless I'm in the M6 doing tricks freeway burnt out (freeway burnt out)
Got a passenger side that's empty wanting it to be your spot (be your spot)
But you on my billboard ? like the charts 'gon end up on top (end up on top)
Don't smoke don't drink that's why I don't be by the bar baby (baby)
Just lookin' at you from a distance looking like a god damn star baby (baby)
So my girl don't see me T-Pain can I get those keys to the car? (those keys to the car?)
'Bout to go and Bang Bang Boogie with my cutie and I'll see you tomar' (see you tomar')
[Hook 3 - T-Pain, Akon]
Oooo she made us drinks, to drink
We drunk 'em, Got drunk
And now I know she thinks I'm cool
She gave me a wink, I winked back (Uh-huh)
And then I think that, (Uh-huh) we 'gon have fun at my spot tonight... (Oh yes)
[Chorus - T-Pain]
I like the bartender
(Oooo If you're lookin' for me)
I'm at the bar with her
(Uh-huh, Ok)
I like the bartender
(Yeah if you're lookin' for me)
I'm at the bar with her
(Oooooh Uh-huh, Ok)
SUPERHUMAN by: Chris Brown ft. Keri Hilson
(Chris)
Weak
I have been crying and crying for weeks
How’d I survive when I can barely speak
Barely eat, on my knees
(Keri)
But that’s the moment you came to me
I don’t know what your love has done to me
Think I’m invincible
I see through the me I used to be
(Chris)
You changed my whole life…
(Keri)
Don’t know what you’re doing to me with your love
(Chris)
I’m feeling all super human, you did that to me
Super human, heart beats in me
(Both)
Nothing can stop me here with you
Super human
I feel so super human
(Chris)
Super human…
I feel so super human
(Keri)
Super human…
(Chris)
Strong
Since I’ve been flying and righting the wrongs
Feels almost like I had it all along
I can see tomorrow
(Keri)
Where every problem is gone because
I flew everywhere but love inside of me
It’s unbelievable to see how love can set me free
(Chris)
You changed my whole life…
(Both)
Don’t know what you’re doing to me with your love
I’m feeling all super human, you did that to me
Super human, heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you…
Super human
I feel so super human
(Chris)
Super human
I feel so super human
Super human
(Chris)
It’s not a bird, not a plane
(Both)
It’s my heart and it’s going, gone away
My only weakness is you
Only reason is you
Every minute with you
I feel like I can do anything
(Both)
Going going, I’m gone away in love
(Both)
You changed my whole life…
Don’t know what you’re doing to me with your love
I’m feeling all super human, you did that to me
Super human, heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you
Super human
Super human
Weak
I have been crying and crying for weeks
How’d I survive when I can barely speak
Barely eat, on my knees
(Keri)
But that’s the moment you came to me
I don’t know what your love has done to me
Think I’m invincible
I see through the me I used to be
(Chris)
You changed my whole life…
(Keri)
Don’t know what you’re doing to me with your love
(Chris)
I’m feeling all super human, you did that to me
Super human, heart beats in me
(Both)
Nothing can stop me here with you
Super human
I feel so super human
(Chris)
Super human…
I feel so super human
(Keri)
Super human…
(Chris)
Strong
Since I’ve been flying and righting the wrongs
Feels almost like I had it all along
I can see tomorrow
(Keri)
Where every problem is gone because
I flew everywhere but love inside of me
It’s unbelievable to see how love can set me free
(Chris)
You changed my whole life…
(Both)
Don’t know what you’re doing to me with your love
I’m feeling all super human, you did that to me
Super human, heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you…
Super human
I feel so super human
(Chris)
Super human
I feel so super human
Super human
(Chris)
It’s not a bird, not a plane
(Both)
It’s my heart and it’s going, gone away
My only weakness is you
Only reason is you
Every minute with you
I feel like I can do anything
(Both)
Going going, I’m gone away in love
(Both)
You changed my whole life…
Don’t know what you’re doing to me with your love
I’m feeling all super human, you did that to me
Super human, heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you
Super human
Super human
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